EQL - Emotional Query Language

If computers had emotions... wouldn't it spice up life as a programmer if you could get better performance out of the boxes from being a bit nice to them? Imagine SQL Server having feelings, and you would have to ask it nicely to make it give you what you really want. Say you just installed the Emotional Query Language version and you need a list of names from the authors table in Pubs, and you tell SQL to:

SELECT * FROM authors

Server: Msg 2812123, Level 12, State 123, Line 1
You forgot the magic word 'PLEASE'.

Aha, you think. The bitch is in a bad mood today. So, ok, you change your query to something like:


Server: Msg 1231256, Level 534, State 341, Line 1
Be more specific, you don't need all those columns, do you?

Aww, come on! I know I don't need all those columns, but I might need them in the future! Ok, ok, I decide be more specific and change the query again (cross my fingers and hopefully it will even use a clustered index scan):

PLEASE SELECT au_id, au_fname FROM authors

Server: Msg 12335, Level 11, State 897, Line 1
Busy serving IUSR_JENNY.

What??! Jenny is using my database and you prefer to serve her? In a fit of rage you pull out your box of Oracle 9i CDs, all 23 of them, and wave them in a really threatfull way in front of the screen, screaming: "See all these Oracle disks!!? Yeah? Start serving me or I'll uninstall you, you miserable excuse for a program!"

Which will probably make the situation worse... Come to think of it, EQL maybe isn't such a good idea after all.


  • This is really funny.


  • Imagine if the SQL Server was a woman (you know all the nerdy guys would install the female version). If you had messy code with bad capitalization, it would say "clean up your mess." If you make calls to the system tables, it would tell you "not to hang around with the bad crowd."

  • He..... Ok so what about the VQL

    Completely Logical, masks all emotions with logic....

    tells us how irational we humans are ....

    returns datetimes by default as decimal stardates 8-)

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