Our Toronto Mayor

If our ex-mayor coaches football the way he runs City Hall it probably goes something like this. . .

Coach: All right team, this is the league final, the game we've played so hard to get to all season. Out there are provincial and national scouts with contracts in their pockets, all you need to do is take the title. Here's the gameplan: Get out there and play the best soccer of your lives.

Player: Hey coach, no disrespect but uh, we're a football team.

Coach: Not tonight boys. Tonight we're mavericks playing by our own rules, and soccer is just another name for football. We're going to win this title on our own terms and pity the fools who say otherwise.

Player:  What about the refs? If we kick the ball around and don't stop play on whistles, our guys are going to get kicked off the field. How do we make any points without TDs and field goals?

Coach: Let the other suckers read their left wing commie rule books, and see how far that gets 'em. Hah, because we'll be playing soccer! One step ahead! It's brilliant! We don't need no stinking refs. Most of those losers are dead weight and the rest are politically motivated. How can you know you're going to win if you play by the same rules as the other team? We're underdogs! Mavericks! We make points by putting the ball into the goal. Heck we'll bring our own ball, and our own goal. And dictate the rules as we go. If I couldn't do that I wouldn't be coach - I took this job on my own terms and those are them. I make the gold, I make the rules. It's not how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose in your own mind.


Surprisingly, coach's tactics did not go over well with the pinko refs, er, judge.


Ford pledges to fight the decision "tooth and nail" rather than with "knowledge and common sense," leading inside sources to believe that his attention was simply still on lunch rather than the legal battle at hand.

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